Entry #2 – “Is it BBO?”

“There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like a “Smell Gestapo”. To sniff ‘em out, strip ‘em down, and wash them with a big, soapy brush…”
- Jerry, in “The Smelly Car” episode of Seinfeld

You know what’s good about white people? “Casual sex,” you say? No, it’s not casual sex (that’s a different story I think Gaurav will write about).The good thing about white people is that they don’t smell. How crazy is that?! For some odd reason they’ve realized that body odor should be reduced for the comfort of others. Now as a brown person, you’d say “Vat is dis tinking about others? Hoo are dey to me?” Well, they are people with noses too! Regardless of your background, we are living in a global community that is all about give and take. No matter how much culture and fashion we brownies offer, the white people will never accept our body odor. Full-stop. They won’t accept ours or the East Asian or the African or the Eskiman (Eskimo-an?) and nope, not even their own. Think about all the white people you enjoy hanging out with who smell bad, ok? How many did you get? Zero. That’s because they don’t smell.

Right now I’m sitting on a flight to Chicago on United Airlines and honestly thank god that I’m not on Air India Airlines. The smell that emanates from an Air India flight is six degrees past anything foul you have ever smelled in your life. It’s like an uncontainable beast of body odor atoms clinging to the cheap cloth and sweaty pillows attacking our nasal receptors in a battle of owning the skyways. I’m able to sit less than a foot from a complete stranger and still feel relatively comfortable. We’ve been on this packed, stuffed, cramped-up plane for almost an hour now and I can proudly say the air smells like…nothing. It’s truly incredible @ 30,000 feet that not a single odor exists on this plane full of different cultures? Thinking back to all the times I’ve flown back from India I can’t overcome the stank circulating for 16 hours at a time between 400 people. It moves through the plane like the delicious garam masala that moves through your house. And to make it even worse people are continuously adding to it every subsequent flight.

So, what’s the tip here?

Deodorant (to learn more click here)

“So when somebody has B.O., the “O” usually stays with the “B”. Once the “B” leaves, the “O” goes with it.”
- Jerry, in “The Smelly Car”

To white people the person who invented deodorant is as genius as the man who invented porn. Both are necessary products of the white person’s daily life which help maintain the body from the stresses of society. Brownies suffer in the realm of both these topics, but forget to act on the whole smelling aspect. Why? Because it costs money! Money is the key to happiness people say and for brownies…the more money you have the happier you are! Screw you if I smell bad; at least I saved $4 on deodorant!

Even with deodorant, it’s understood that in physically intensive situations you’ll smell worse than a pig. If you don’t have deodorant, think about body spray or body wipes. They both come in a wide assortment of scents that will make you feel special. Not only will your BBO be blocked (hopefully) but you might even attract someone from the opposite sex with those hot and heavy bhangra dancing, dosa eating, samosa chaat hormones, baby.

Go down to your local convenience store and pick some up now without delay! If you are still too cheap, try getting all your friends to pitch in and buy ONE or visit CostCo and become a reseller. I personally prefer Degree, Arm & Hammer, and Tom’s Natural (it contains hops, like beer hops, mmmm deodorant drunk). Make sure you get antiperspirant if you smell really bad.

Taming the Outer Beast is continuous series of articles examining the physical quirks of being brown.