Entry #1 – The Mystery of Foreign Languages

To the white person, any language outside of English is mystical journey into the unknown just like backpacking through Himalayas. Scientists believe that knowing more languages directly increases your intellectual capacity and consequently, white people believe this increases your coolness factor. This belief also stems from the fact that most white people grow up only learning English . Some have limited exposure to tiny bits of Spanish such as “¡¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!!” and “¡¡Andale Aribba Aribba!!” Interestingly enough, some people have realized you can combine those to say “Arribba, yo quiero Taco Bell!” Though, in whitosphere, this would not make you any friends. Unlike brown people, white people don’t eat actually at Taco Bell, they regularly go to nice sit-down restaurants (outside of Olive Garden).

Extensive research has been completed regarding linguistics in Caucasians which found out that North American whites only speak one language: English. Recently, a new software package called Rosetta Stone set the world ablaze with linguistic information and training in simplified white person speak. Rosetta Stone has unleashed a few, learned white people who now speak 3-4 textbook languages and can vocalize menial conversations (ordering take out, asking for directions, etc), yet overall progress is slow.

So you ask, what does this mean to me…I just want to make a few more white friends? First, think about randomly approaching a white person (yes, it’s really that easy) and tell them you speak 4 different languages. Now wait for their reaction. They’ll look at you with bold eyes and dream of a day that they can do the same. In their breif escape from reality, they’ll think of how their parents would be so proud of little Timmy being so cultural and how he may even pick up more ladies instead of the countless evenings he spends watching American Idol eating take-out Punjabi food. After constant badgering to say some phrases, you’ll finally break down and say Namasté (or some comparable salutation / easy phrase) that they would then drop their jaw and thank you for the enlightening experience.

But listen fellow-brownite, don’t just stop there. We all know you’ve got a bag of different masalas up your sleeve to spice up the white person’s life! It doesn’t matters what you say as long as it:
1) Sounds cool
2) Can be used in the most trivial of instances (this is mostly done to protect white people from saying something completely inappropriate in a difficult situation).

Now, let’s go through a few phrases in Hindi, the national language of India, that will provide humor in those awkward brown-white melting pot moments.

• My name is – Mera naam hai
• I love you – Mujhe tumse pyaar hai
• Shut up! – Chup Raho!
• Your mom is fat – Aapki ma bohath mooti hai
• Do you like it? – Aapko aacha laga? (use with caution)
• Your girlfriend talks a lot, shut her up – Aapki premika zaada bolti hai, oosko chup karo
• Your girlfriend is ugly, take her away from here.- Aapki saheli zaada budsoorat hai, oosko yahase baar nikalo
• That’s hot – Voh garum hai

Once they have acquired and trained themselves in these phrases, insist on your white friend rehearsing them during parties and social situations that require impressing other white people. This act vouches for your coolness and enables your white friend to gain more prestige with his friends, a great win-win oppurtunity. In turn, this leads to even more acceptance by white people who will insist you teach them cooler and more interesting phrases to repeat.